Have you ever had those days, and in my case week, where it didn’t go at all like you planned and it requires every amount of strength or maturity you can muster not to behave like a child, lashing out in anger and frustration?
Despite my best laid plans, everything I attempted to do this week seemed to blow up in my face; despite my best laid plans, I couldn’t will my vision into reality and all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. It’s really remarkable how childish I feel on the inside. I am almost 38 years old and yet, the adolescent tantrums I outgrew many years ago are so near the surface that I am fearful of them leaking out. I don’t believe they will burst out, thank goodness, but I do fear cracks in the lining are beginning to appear. A simple email “critiquing” my work from an individual I have little professional respect should not lead me down this emotional roller coaster, so I’m either incredibly “over” this week, or there are underlying issues with this colleague. I normally enjoy and look forward to critiques from my colleagues, but this one set me off.
I have worked incredibly hard this week, addressing a major issue, working all hours of the day and night to get this problem fixed and resolved. I did not do this to earn any accolades or rewards; I did this because I am passionate about my work, and I want to be helpful to those I work with. Has my exhaustion made me vulnerable and “raw” to the emotions I normally have so well under control? Or do I have other issues…other emotions….that I am harboring towards this colleague? I have heard that when there are things about other people that cause you to react in a negative manner, it’s because there is something in them that you see in yourself that you dislike. I have known that part of my reason for struggling with this colleague is because I do not have respect for her abilities to do the job she has been tasked with and struggle to understand how she is still in the vital and critical role she holds.
If we go along with the theory that I dislike my colleague because I subconsciously recognize a weakness in myself, could it be that I don’t feel competent in my new position? I fought very hard to prove I was able to do this job, but deep down inside, I still question whether or not I am going to be good at it. I have a beautiful and perfect example in my husband of how a Product Manager should be, and I can tell you that I do not even come close to being as talented, intelligent and hard working as my husband. He is amazing, and while his job has very different aspects than my own, it is ultimately the same. We have in common the fact that neither he, nor I have ever been a Product Manager before, so on some level we started on the same playing field, each of us bringing our own skill sets to the table. I am so incredibly proud of my husband….more than words could ever express; he has become wildly successful, near invaluable to our Company. He has completely turned his product upside down to make it more successful than the product we are most known for among the IT industry; no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to make him as proud as he has made me.
Hmmmm….this is a prime example of why I blog. I started this off thinking my angst was related to another, when in fact, it’s my own feelings of inadequacy that are causing these uncharacteristic reactions in me…..and maybe, just maybe, I needed my plans to go awry so that I would be vulnerable enough to recognize that my weaknesses and insecurities need to be addressed. Maybe I needed to feel “picked on” by someone I struggle with already in order for me to start writing it all down.
Answers come from the strangest resources as times. It hasn’t been an easy transition changing my career this late in life, and while I wouldn’t go back and change it, I realize that I need to make sure I don’t sabotage myself.
Crazy, Beautiful Life! 